Best of the Decade: Volume 3

Let's pretend that I posted something yesterday, and I'm off to a great start in my firestorm of content. Can we do that? I think we can do that.

20. Mystic River (2003)
-directed by Clint Eastwood
If nothing else, see Mystic River for its acting. Featuring an ensemble comprised of Sean Penn, Tim Robbins, Marcia Gay Harden, Laura Linney, Kevin Bacon, Laurence Fishburn, Emmy Rossum, and supremely underrated young actor Tom Guiry, Mystic River could very well be the most well-acted film of the decade. Bring some tissues, though, as this movie is anything but cheery. The plot centers around three adults who were friends in their youth (played by Penn, Bacon, and Robbins): one day, one of the children is kidnapped and held for nefarious purposes (screw discretion: molestation). The film explores how that one event creates a maelstrom of chaos that tears through otherwise happy lives. The spark that ignites the forest fire comes when Penn's daughter is murdered on the same night that Robbins (the child-abuse victim) comes home with blood on his hands. I won't explain any further, so as to avoid spoilers, but, to quote my Twitter feed, "this shit's intense." Sean Penn and Tim Robbins receive most of the acting accolades, and rightly so, but one of the stand-outs for me was young Tom Guiry, who plays the murder victim's boyfriend, who becomes the first suspect. The scene in which he finds out about his girlfriend's death, and confesses that he was going to marry her, is utterly heartbreaking. Hell, this whole movie is. Doesn't mean it's not a great movie, though.


19. WALL-E (2008)
-directed by Andrew Stanton
Sometimes, the simplest concepts are the most difficult to execute, the easiest to screw up, and the least attempted kind of film. Sometimes, though, the simplest concept is the best movie. WALL-E has a premise any child could, and does understand it: boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy and girl save the day. Who cares if the boy is a trash compactor and the girl is a glorified iPod? These are the movies, dammit. WALL-E has to be one of the bravest films in recent memory, in that it refrains from dialogue for almost half of the film. This, especially coming from a purported 'children's movie,' is astounding. Too often, movies attempt to cover up lack of content with quick editing, or an overload of content, or a frenetic pace. WALL-E is quiet, controlled, and methodical; it has enough faith in its material to sell itself. The film has plenty of time for small moments of sublime beauty: WALL-E and EVE watching the sun set over burning oil tankers, WALL-E trailing his hand through a planet's ice-ring, and, of course, the 'define dancing' scene, in which the two heroes simply move through space to music. It all sounds so very elementary, but it creates moments of pure magic. That the rest of the film is spectacular doesn't hurt, either: WALL-E looks better than any animated movie I've ever seen, no doubt partly because of cinematographer Roger Deakins' (aka God's) help with the film's look. The design, as well, is utterly engrossing. Every frame of WALL-E has something inventive, creative, beautiful, and worth seeing. And you know what? The film works wonderfully on an emotional level. The plight of WALL-E and EVE moved me far more than any of their more serious, live-action counterparts of 2008. Jamal and Latika can suck it. Benjamin and Daisy can go cry to their mothers. I don't even want to get started on Frost and Nixon. My heart belonged to a little trash compactor and his iPod.

18. Before Sunset (2004)
-directed by Richard Linklater
This recommendation comes with one corollary: to fully appreciate Before Sunset, you must first see its 90s predecessor, Before Sunrise. With its companion piece, Before Sunset reveals itself to be one of the most intelligent, bittersweet treatises on young love, failed expectations, and the slow acceptance of reality ever made. In the first film, Jesse (Ethan Hawke) and Celine (Julie Delpy), spend one night together in Vienna. They're young, they're in love, and they think that doing such pedestrian things as exchanging numbers or contact information will dim the passion of their experience. Instead, they agree to meet again in Vienna in exactly six months time. In Before Sunset, Jesse and Celine meet at a book store in Paris, ten years later. The entire film consists of them walking around in real time, having a conversation. But my God, it's a conversation worth hearing. They start simply: catching up on each other's lives, finding out what kind of person they've each become, but all too soon, the bare threads of their lives begin to show, and they confess that the lives they've led aren't the lives they wanted to lead. Restrained, slightly sad, and more than a little autobiographical, Before Sunset perfectly captures the way that reality slowly takes the place of dreams, until the dreams are forgotten and the reality is set in stone. It's almost impossible to describe this film and do it justice: Watch Before Sunrise and Before Sunset. Together, they're hardly longer than the second Transformers movie, and they are much, much more worth your time.

17. The Departed (2006)
-directed by Martin Scorsese
The Departed is all kinetic energy. Despite its run-time of over two hours, The Departed chases, jumps, turns, dashes, and fights through to the end, attacking the viewer like a whirlwind. Scorsese is one of the most gifted working directors, and, for The Departed, he leaves everything he has at the altar of cinema. This film's complicated web of plot threads, involving lies, deceptions, and hidden identities, is easily navigated, thanks to a literate, concise script, a sure directorial and editing hand, and virtuoso performances from Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon. The movie is jam-packed with memorable sequences: the chase to the roof-top, fueled by mistaken identities and ended in a moment of sudden violence, the shoot-out in the warehouse, and, of course, the blood-soaked finale, which will simply blow your mind (for readers who've seen the movie, I really do apologize for such an aggressive pun).

16. The Hurt Locker (2009)
-directed by Kathryn Bigelow
How does she get away with it? Kathryn Bigelow has created a movie that just seems to ooze contradictions, but somehow, improbably, it all works. The film is so quiet in its issues that some have labeled it completely apolitical, yet it's almost impossible to walk out of this film without understanding what it was trying to convey. It's a film of staggering dramatic impact, but seems to be based entirely on action sequences. The movie has little to no plot: it's a string of vignettes that happen to the same characters, yet it feels like it's telling one hell of a story. How does it all work? Maybe it's the talent involved: Kathryn Bigelow is nothing short of a genius, and brings an uncompromising artistic sensibility to the movie. It could be the acting: Jeremy Renner delivers one of the best performances of 2009, as do Anthony Mackie and Brian Geraghty in supporting roles. Perhaps it's the cinematography of Barry Ackroyd, which is beautiful while appearing pedestrian (yet another contradiction), and the editing of Bob Murawski and Chris Innis, which is laser-focused and intense. I don't know. It's probably all of these things. The Hurt Locker gathers a bevy of disparaging elements and fuses them into something elementally profound, pulse-pounding, and moving.

15. Hotel Rwanda (2004)
-directed by Terry George
Dramatizing a genocide isn't easy. There's something about the murder of millions that just seems...hard to bring to the screen convincingly. Maybe it's the fact that crimes occurring on a scale so large are almost impossible to fathom; that any attempts at drama will be met with skepticism. Hotel Rwanda manages the subject with dignity and grace. I think much of its success comes from the decision to compartmentalize and reduce the scale of the events portrayed: director Terry George uses the events happening at the Milles Collines hotel to represent the event as a whole. Amazingly, it works. We almost never leave the confines of the hotel, yet are given a clear, resonant picture of the chaos that happens outside its walls. Indeed, setting the film at the Milles Collines has an ancillary benefit: as the story is ultimately one of hope, its body count is relatively low. To create a more graphic representation of the Rwandan genocide would have been too much for most viewers. Luckily for us, the story is one of hope and redemption. If every death is a tragedy, than every life saved is a miracle. Hotel Rwanda is in the business of miracles, and, after watching the film, it's hard not to feel like you got your money's worth of miracles.

14. Moulin Rouge! (2001)
-directed by Baz Luhrmann
I really don't know how to approach this film objectively. This was one of the keystone movies of my adolescence, in that I watched it early, loved it, and watched it again and again. There's something in the pulsing energy, the frenetic but not chaotic pitch, the perfect balance of sublime silliness and melodrama-level tragedy, that just draws me in. And why shouldn't it? Moulin Rouge! is a spectacularly well-made film: everything looks great, everything works great. The music numbers are inspired, the performances are pitch-perfect, and the story is, if not dazzlingly original, dazzling in its execution. And you know what? This movie is just plain fun. Not all of it, admittedly, but the parts that go for levity pay off wonderfully. The movie is compelling drama: though I've since moved past such a phase, my sister still cries every time she watches it, even though she's seen it more times than is possible to count with all her fingers and toes. Moulin Rouge! is a bit silly, but it knows that, it embraces that, and it uses that to its advantage. The film's heart is in exactly the right place: it breathes beauty, freedom, truth, and love, and encourages all viewers to do the same.

13. Synecdoche, New York (2008)
-directed by Charlie Kaufman
Here's a misunderstood masterpiece if there ever was one. On its release, Synecdoche, New York was dismissed as thick, difficult, and nearly incomprehensible. Only Roger Ebert stood on its side, and recently christened it the best film of the decade in his version of the list I'm transcribing now. Well, to put it simply: Roger Ebert is right, the other critics are stupid. End of story. Now, I'm not saying that Synecdoche, New York is easy: I've seen it at least six times since its release, and I'll be damned if I can tell you what actually happens in the movie. On the surface, it tells the story of theater director Caden Cotard, who attempts to stage a play encompassing the entirety of the human experience. I'm not even going to attempt to describe what happens from there, but, honestly, it's irrelevant. It doesn't matter. The whole is less relevant than the sum of its parts. Each scene is beautifully crafted, well acted, and, above all, exquisitely written. I honestly think this could be the greatest screenplay ever written. Writer/director Charlie Kaufman imbues his scenes with such tenderness, such insight, that they become poetry. The last monologue of the film deserves to be recognized as a genuine piece of literature, and treated as such. Who cares if everyone who watches this film doesn't understand every part of it? There's something worthwhile here for everyone; more than something. Lots of things. Synecdoche, New York is an abyss which, if one stares long enough, will begin to stare back.

12. Waltz With Bashir (2008)
-directed by Ari Folman
For me, Waltz With Bashir is the cinematic equivalent of a sucker punch to the stomach. No, more than that: it's being beaten by a baseball bat, it's being obliterated by a locomotive. It's having your soul sucked out through your teeth. Sounds fun, right? Waltz With Bashir is possibly the only film of its kind: it's an animated documentary that uses a macabre, surrealist lens to make sense of a massacre. The visuals are astounding. From the opening moment, in which a wild dog charges down the street, to the closing shot, in which the viewer's animation safety net has been brutally substituted for live action, Waltz With Bashir provides an endless parade of moments both horrifying and fascinating in their combination of unspeakable crimes and surreal beauty. The scene, roughly twenty minutes into the film, in which a young Ari Folman and his two friends in the war rise out of the sea to approach a screaming crowd, illuminated by flares, still sticks with me. I don't know how to describe this movie, visually speaking. It's completely unique. It's fascinating. It's unsettling. The whole film strikes an uncanny balance between interest and revulsion: through the unreal medium of animation, Waltz With Bashir strikes at the heart of how much can go wrong in a world fueled by the dark side of human nature.

11. Gosford Park (2001)
-directed by Robert Altman
Alright, it's time for a tempo change. Gosford Park isn't exactly a feel-good comedy, but it's much brighter than the past few entries. Even if it's a murder mystery. The point isn't the murder here: the point is the complex web of human interaction that takes place between the rich guests of a hunting party in 1930s England, the servants of its well-staffed house, and the flashpoints of conflict when the two socioeconomic worlds merge. Gosford Park is one of the most engaging, complex, witty, labyrinthine films I've seen in a long time. It's almost impossible to grasp the full implications of every action on first viewing, but even for the casual viewer there's many a gem to be found. The acting ensemble is both gigantic and talented: Maggie Smith, Helen Mirren, Clive Owen, Kelly MacDonald, Emily Watson, and Michael Gambon immediately stand out in my mind, but this could because their names are the ones I can remember off the top of my head. Gosford Park contains no bad performances, and almost no mediocre ones (sorry, Ryan Phillipe). The web of humanity that the script casts is almost impossibly interesting: I feel like I could watch this movie every day for a year and find something new every time. Robert Altman, one of America's great directors, shepherds his bemused herd of actors through the plot's twists and turns with wonderful dexterity. Watching Altman direct an ensemble like this is like watching a master pianist use the entire range of a grand piano.


Tune in...later (I'm not promising tomorrow this time. If not tomorrow, then Sunday, perhaps?) as I reveal the top 10 of the decade. Any predictions?

The Best of 2009, Part 1: Top 10 List, Zen Awards

It's that time again, folks. I know this feels a bit delayed, but I was trying to wait to compile any year-end lists until I had caught up on all the 2009 movies I had missed. Well, the hell with that. So, when reading these lists, bear in mind that I haven't seen The Messenger, The Last Station, In the Loop, Coco Avant Chanel, A Prophet, The Cove, and plenty of other worthy films. But, y'know, you gotta start sometime. I'll be doing this piece all week: Today, top 10 list. Tomorrow (schedule permitting), Acting. Wednesday, directing and screenplays. Thursday, technical achievements. Friday, my unofficial Oscar Ballot. Days are subject to change, depending on scheduling conflicts, lack of planning, and general laziness. Anywho, without further ado: The Best Films of 2009 Screw a top 10 list. Too much exclusion. I'm an inclusive kind of person: I'm going to give y'all a top 20, plus some honorable mentions. Aren't I generous? Honorable Mentions These films fought to break the top 20, but ultimately failed. I still hold a place in my heart for them, however. In alphabetical order: Coraline The Hangover The Road A Serious Man Next time, guys. Moving on: 20. The Lovely Bones Directed by Peter Jackson. I acknowledge that this is a very flawed film. Many of its elements don't fit together, quite a few of the performances are misguided or just plain wrong, and the visual effects tend to crowd out the plot. Still, for whatever reason, I can't let this movie go. It's flawed, but haunting. I might honestly only have it in the top 20 for one scene (the scene in which Susie meets the other victims of George Harvey in Heaven), which, frankly, reduced this writer to something nearing tears. 19. Whip It Directed by Drew Barrymore Not a great movie, but it's sure as hell a fun one. Ellen Page gives a wonderful performance, leading a fantastic ensemble. The script is literate, witty, and the film never feels too long. 18. District 9 Directed by Neil Blomkamp District 9 has grown on me. Sure, its allegory is a little heavy-handed, but the film-making on display is both kinetic and absorbing. Special mention must go to actor Sharlto Copley for making Wikus Van der Merwe a completely believable, thoroughly engrossing character. 17. Julie and Julia Directed by Nora Ephron Meryl Streep pulls Julie and Julia across the finish line with far more panache than the movie has any right to claim. The scenes with Amy Adams can be a bit dull, but Streep's performance is like injecting joy right into your eyeballs. 16. Zombieland Directed by Ruben Fleischer Call me a bit of a populist. I'm sure I'll catch some heat for placing this zom-com over other, nobler, more prestigious films, but what can I say? I have a soft spot for the living dead. This film isn't quite as witty or well-made as Shaun of the Dead, but it's well worth the admission price anyway. 15.Star Trek Directed by J.J. Abrams I was a complete non-Trekkie going into this movie; indeed, it was the first Star Trek movie I'd ever seen. In my capacity as a Star Trek noobie, I can say with confidence that Abrams' film is instantly accessible, ridiculously entertaining, and wonderfully well-made. This is blockbuster entertainment at its best. 14. The Princess and the Frog Directed by Ron Clements and John Musker What a great throwback to the Disney Golden Age. This hand-drawn tale of self-discovery is unusually perceptive and intelligent for a new Disney movie. It effortlessly combines great musical numbers, somewhat bizarre humor, and quiet reality to form a near-perfect concoction. 13. An Education Directed by Lone Scherfig Scherfig's coming-of-age film is light, frothy, and endlessly charming. Carey Mulligan's star-making performance as Jennie provides the rock to which all other aspects of the film anchor. An Education is fun, smart, and, you guessed it, educational. 12. Moon Directed by Duncan Jones I feel a little guilty about not putting Moon in my Top 10, but that's how it goes, I suppose. The fact that this is director Jones' debut is astounding. Even more astounding is how small a budget (comparatively speaking) this film was made with, because it looks absolutely stunning. The visuals are creative and striking, the acting is fantastic (there's really only one performance in the film, and it's worth watching for two hours), and the story is both inventive and entertaining. Moon is destined to become one of the hallmark films of independent sci-fi cinema. (I'll have you know that films 8-11 were almost impossible to put in order. Ask me tomorrow, and it could very well change. I agonized for hours...Well, maybe only minutes, but the point is I agonized over this.) 11. Up in the Air Directed by Jason Reitman I think Reitman's film might have suffered slightly from the massive hype it received on the Internet during its film festival run. Bloggers called it a lock to win Best Picture, writers fell over themselves trying to come up with better puns involving airlines and the zeitgeist. Up in the Air may not be the best film of the year, but it a great one. The film walks a fine, fine line between comedy and drama, and doesn't make a single mis-step. This balancing act would have been impossible without the stellar acting turns of George Clooney and Anna Kendrick, who are more than competently supported by Vera Farmiga, Jason Bateman, JK Simmons, and others. Here come the top 10...Drum-roll, please! 10. The Fantastic Mr. Fox Directed by Wes Anderson I'm not usually a fan of Mr. Anderson's work, but his relentlessly quirky style is a beautiful fit for Roald Dahl's sideways prose. The Fantastic Mr. Fox is a technical marvel, and is also one of the most, if not the most entertaining film of the year. What's more, the film manages to illicit real emotional responses, all on behalf of this adorable community of woodland creatures. The script pops with sly humor, while making use of allegory/nuance in a much more subtle way than many of the bigger films this year. The wonderful dialogue and voice-over work is supplemented by Alexandre Desplat's playful, mildly ridiculous music. As the crowning stroke of genius, The Fantastic Mr. Fox skips playfully through genre after genre, touching on war film, 40s caper, film noir, and western before settling on something completely undefinable. 9. A Single Man Directed by Tom Ford A Single Man is nothing if not stylish. Fashion Designer-turned-Director Tom Ford throws every cinematic trick in the book at this movie, yet, against all odds, manages to produce a singularly affecting film whose stylistic flourishes serve to enhance the plot. The film is designed to a T: production design, costumes, cinematography, editing, music: all are immaculate, almost anal-retentive in their perfection. This would only amount to a whole lot of pretty nothing, however, if it weren't for an insightful script, as well as the virtuoso performance of Colin Firth. His character, George Falconer, is one of the great portrayals in cinema this year. The imagery is almost unimaginably gorgeous, as is the music: One could almost call this film hypnotic; it's easy to be mesmerized by the film's beguiling beauty. 8. Precious Directed by Lee Daniels I have complaints with elements around the edges of the film; little pieces of direction, a mis-step here or there. All of those are completely eclipsed, however, by the perfect storm of acting perfection created by Gabourey Sidibe and Mo'Nique. Who'd have thought that a first-time actress with no training and the host of a BET talk show contained such staggering talent? Each woman is more than a match for the other, and together they create some of the best-acted scenes of the year. Their acting is matched in the story-telling department: Geoffrey Fletcher's script, based on the novel Push, by Sapphire, tells one hell of a story, one that possesses one of the biggest emotional wallops offered by film this year. The film is gritty, difficult, and at-times unpleasant, but it is ultimately defiant, a little hopeful, and...precious. 7. Up Directed by Pete Docter Y'all know I have quite the soft spot for Pixar. Even at their worst, Pixar films entertain me and move me more than most movies out these days. Up is far from their worst. The opening montage, set to Michael Giacchino's beautifully melancholy score, is far-and-away the best example of film-making this year, and contains enough of an emotional punch to KO the most stalwart of grumps. That the film opens with this scene is something of a minor miracle. It's more than a minor miracle that Up manages to live up to the promise given in the first five minutes. The rest of the film is fast-paced, often hilarious, and full of bracingly real emotional sentiments. And always, that beautiful image of the flying house, being dragged by an old man. I love this movie. I really do. 6. (500) Days of Summer Directed by Marc Webb I'll admit it up-front: I hate most romantic comedies. They're cliched, boring, and altogether not worth my time. (500) Days of Summer is very much the exception to this rule. Perhaps it's because, as the film itself says, "This is not a love story. It's a story about love." Marc Webb's ode to the rush of unrealistic expectations brought with first love, followed by the inevitable crush of rejection, never loses its grasp of reality, nor does it lose its optimism. Thus far, I've made the film sound like a bit of a drag. Rest assured: (500) Days of Summer is, for my dollar, the funniest movie of the year. The impromptu, post-coital musical number alone is worth the price of admission. The movie is anchored by its two charismatic leads, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel, who should be legally obligated to appear in every movie. 5. The White Ribbon Directed by Michael Haneke Quite the change of pace from the last one, huh? The White Ribbon is quietly, casually horrific. Some people have dismissed German film-maker Michael Haneke's latest work as an easy way to try to explain how The Holocaust happened, but this cheap explanation hardly does the film any justice. The White Ribbon is a haunting treatise on the presence of evil in the world, and how easily it can infiltrate any system. The film is terrifying in its own right, if only because events that would send a sane man into a panic are regarded with something nearing apathy. Terrible things happen, and people move on. The film's beautiful black-and-white palette, as well as the sparse, almost Gothic production design, do much to enhance the film's mood of slowly creeping horror. The last shot is terribly chilling and impossible to forget. 4. Antichrist Directed by Lars Von Trier Here we continue our theme of films taking a hard look at evil in the world. Where The White Ribbon chose to sweep its evil under the rug, Antichrist gleefully throws it into the center ring. I don't think I've ever had such a truly disturbing film experience as I did watching Antichrist. Admittedly, this one definitely isn't for casual audiences. Those willing to suffer in the name of art, however, will be treated to one of the most layered, thought-provoking pieces I've encountered in quite some time. There's too much to see in this film to appreciate it fully with only one viewing (though a second viewing is almost unimaginable), as almost every moment of the film is saturated with dark philosophical undertones. Combine this with Antony Dod Mantle's impressionistic, painterly cinematography, and the courageous performances of Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg, and you have one of the year's most compelling films. 3. Inglourious Basterds Directed by Quentin Tarantino Quentin Tarantino's giddy, joyously violent revenge fantasy is, to put it lightly, one of the more unique films released this year. Tarantino's signature off-the-wall dialogue, as well as his unique visual sensibilities, are a decidedly odd marriage with the WWII iconography he uses, all combined with the trappings of a Spaghetti Western. To augment this bizarre meshing of images and ideas, we have Tarantino's usual moments of horrific violence, used as a punchline or poetry, depending on the heinous act being committed at the time. Inglourious Basterds is further elevated by its impeccable production design, as well as its ensemble: arguably the best work turned in by a group of actors this year, every character (and there're quite a few) turn in wonderful and memorable performances. Tarantino's hand of fate smashes through the film, wreaking bloody havoc on all involved, and, in the process, creating one of the best films of the year. 2. Avatar Directed by James Cameron I spend too much time already defending James Cameron, so I won't start it again here. Suffice to say that Avatar made me feel like a child, in the best possible sense. Avatar lifted me out of the cynical, jaded, film-dick persona into which I have so comfortably settled, and reminded me what it felt like to look at the world for the first time. This is one of the prettiest, most visually inventive movies you will ever see. Bypassing all the talk of the special effects, which are spectacular, just take a moment to consider the world of Pandora itself. An entire ecosystem, complete with a coherent evolutionary history, has been pulled out of thin air, beautifully realized through the work of all the talented artisans who worked on the film. Take all of that, throw in some anti-war/eco-friendly/treehugger messages (subtle as a sledgehammer but right up my alley), as well as some ridiculously epic set-pieces, and I'm sold... 1. The Hurt Locker Directed by Kathryn Bigelow ...But nothing can compete with the best film of the year. The Hurt Locker is easily one of the best films of the past 10 years, and one of the better war films ever. Kathryn Bigelow captures the day-to-day life of an EOD squad with such laser-focus that all other concerns are obliterated. The film, structured as a series of vignettes, is a case-study in effective film-making. Every scene is almost unbearably tense and emotionally resonant. Perhaps some of the success comes from how the film avoids politics altogether. Not to say that moralizing in film has to be bad, of course: I suppose what I'm getting at is that politics don't matter to the men on the ground. What matters is the constant threat of violence, and the relationship with the men next to you. Bigelow's first priority is to recreate the experience of the men on the ground, and, as such, politics become second-string. What's left is an engrossing examination of the effects of wars on the men who fight them. The Hurt Locker is far and away the best film of the year. Now, bear in mind that this is a favorites list, not a best list. Admittedly, I try to put the titles at the top which appeal to both my personal tastes and my knowledge of film, but I don't always succeed. If I were to list the year's 5 best, in order, it would probably look something like this: 1. The Hurt Locker 2. Antichrist 3. The White Ribbon 4. Inglourious Basterds 5. Either Up or Precious, depending on how I'm feeling. The Zen Awards!! Ahhhh....Let's all let our hair down, shall we? Hard part's over. The Zen Awards are my additions to the regular Oscar categories (it's newly named. If you have a better name for my personal awards, let me know, because this one kind of sucks). A couple of them are serious, but most are humorous. So, for your sake, I'll get the serious ones out of the way first. For categories like "Most Anthropomorphic Mustache This Side of Wilford Brimley" and "You're Not This Gay, but Dammit, You're Trying", keep reading. Best Scenes of the Year (I'll link to the ones that have found their way to youtube) 10. Wikus kicks some serious ass with a mechanized prawn suit-District 9 (this clip's a little edited up, but you'll get the idea) This clip gets in because it's just badassery at its finest. This is the pinnacle of District 9's marriage of visual effects and documentary-style film-making. 9. The Morning After-(500) Days of Summer This one makes it because it's both awesome and hilarious. Nothing like porking to make you break out into song-and-dance. 8. Last Mass-The White Ribbon No link here. This is the final shot. To avoid spoilers, I'll simply say that it involves all of the villagers huddled together for the last mass before WWI breaks out, all looking around fearfully, not knowing who has been attacking whom, nor who will be next, as the choir starts to sing. Both beautiful and chilling. 7. Once Upon a Time In Nazi-Occupied France-Inglourious Basterds No clip again. It's the opening scene: the French Farmer takes the Jew Hunter, Colonel Landa into his home. They drink, smoke, and discuss which animal Jews are most like. All the while, a Jewish family hides underneath the floorboards. This scene is unbelievably tense, and masterfully acted by Christoph Waltz. 6. Susie meets the other victims-The Lovely Bones In Heaven, murder girl Susie Salmon begins to let go of her life on Earth. When she does, she meets the six other women her killer has claimed. I don't know why this scene effected me so much, but it's one hell of an emotional drain. 5. Tavern Shoot-Out-Inglourious Basterds I don't want to spoil anything here, so I'll say this: If you've seen the movie, you know what I mean. Mistakes are made, things go wrong, and the tension piles on like an avalanche. By the end of this scene, I felt like I could hardly breathe. Its climax is one of the most suddenly, horrifically violent scenes in recent memory. 4. Mary's Confession-Precious It's a short scene, but I hope it gives you some idea of the best-acted scene of the year, as well as the emotional climax of an already emotionally-draining movie. If Mo'Nique doesn't win an Oscar, there is absolutely no justice in the world. 3. Jake walks for the first time-Avatar I could have chosen a bigger, more dramatic scene from this movie but I went with this one: when Jake first enters his avatar body. He stands up, starts to walk, and then starts running, just because he can. I thought this; parapalegic Jake regaining the life he once had, to be the heart and soul of the film. 2. The Sniper Duel-The Hurt Locker Another movie chock-full of great scenes. After some deliberation, I had to go with the mid-film sniper duel for the win. It's intense, almost tactile in its knack for visualizing sensation, and acted wonderfully; I particularly enjoy the complete meltdown of Eldritch. 1. Married Life-Up Not much that I can say for this clip that it doesn't say for itself. That's movie-making, y'all. Next: The "I'm Too Awesome to Have an Award Named After Me" Award for Outstanding Young Actors-Bailee Madison, Brothers Brothers was a steaming pile of garbage, but the best part of the movie, far and away, was the performance of Bailee Madison, as Tobey Maguire's oldest daughter. She alone captured the emotionally tricky task of having your father return from the dead. Runers up: Abigail Breslin, Zombieland, all the children from The White Ribbon The New Image Award For movies that show us something completely original and unique. Pandora-Avatar. James Cameron created an entire world from scratch and was nice enough to share it with us. The Three Beggars-Antichrist. We've seen grief, pain, and despair in film before, but not in the form of a doe with a dead fetus hanging out of it, a fox that eats its own intestines, and a crow that refuses to die. The Other World-Coraline. Beatifully animated, Coraline's other world is as sumptuously realized as it is inventive. Best Inanimate Object in a Movie -The Bear-Jew's punch-operated shotgun, Inglourious Basterds. Because he punches someone in the face. With a shotgun. -all of Carl's possessions, Up. For being thematically resonant, aesthetically appealing, and altogether adorable. -the banjo, Zombieland. Both for making a Deliverance reference and killing a zombie. It's more accomplished than I am. -flaming, sinking ice-G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra. This ice must be magical to burn and sink at the same time. THE WINNER: Megan Fox, Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. A technological marvel. You can only tell that it's not a real actress when you look into its dead, soulless eyes. The "You're Not This Gay, but Dammit, You're Trying" Award Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law-Sherlock Holmes. I eagerly anticipate the release of the Director's Cut DVD, in which they include all the scenes they cut of Holmes and Watson making out, buying doilies together, and drinking tea with upturned pinkies. Most Anthropomorphic Mustache This Side of Wilford Brimley Matt Damon-The Informant! There aren't words to describe the level of silliness that Matt Damon's facial hair attains. Most Delightfully Ridiculous Sub-Plot District 9. The prawns develop a nasty cat food addiction, fueled by Nigerian gangsters who want to eat the aliens. ...Did I just type that sentence and mean it? And Finally: The 5 Worst Films of the Year 5. Amelia Cliched, overblown, thoroughly ridiculous. Hilary Swank and Richard Gere should be euthanized. 4. All About Steve Sandra Bullock doing her best to keep this movie from being worthless. She fails. 3. The Ugly Truth The only thing uglier than this movie is the fact that people actually liked it. 2. The Final Destination Actually, at only 82 minutes long, it's actually the year's worst short film. The Peter Travers "Did I Just See That" Award for the Biggest Pile of Crap to Smear its Way onto Screens Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. Seriously, is there anything about this movie worth liking? I don't think so. And I should know: I've seen it twice. There we have it. Part 1: down. Three more to go. What do you think? Does my list make sense? What fits? What doesn't?